Looking in the Rearview Mirror of 2023 — Highs and Lows: Looking Forward to More Inner Resilience and Peace

Now that we’re heading into the end of another year and preparing for a new one, it’s time to look back on 2023, in order to gain some perspective on this crazy year, in the rearview mirror.

2023 was filled with high highs, as well as low lows for many of us…and certainly, we can see that same pattern in the world at large. We have witnessed beauty, and we’ve experienced pain. We each have our personal and unique stories to illustrate these highs and lows, while we also have many shared experiences as citizens of this world.

Now, we need to question:

· What lessons have we learned from the joy and the pain?

· How can we move forward to bring more light into our own lives?

· How might we share that light with the people we love and the world?

In late October, my mom suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. Those have been reading my blogs, following me on social media or listening to my radio program, then you know how impactful my relationship with my mom was on my life. Over the last few years, I became very involved in her care. Initially, she was at an assisted living community in Yonkers, New York. A little over two years ago, she spent an entire month in the hospital. And for the past two years, she resided in a nursing home in Connecticut.

I was a very passionate advocate for her care, including her medical care in the hospital and her day-to-day care in the long-term care communities. We spoke daily on Zoom, when I wasn’t visiting her. My mom and I had a standing appointment each day at 3:00 pm CT/4 pm ET. It was the brightest, most uplifting hour in both of our days. When I visited her up north, it became my home away from home. I reconnected with old friends who lived close to my mom, and I made new friends with the family members of other residents in her community. I looked forward to my frequent visits and rarely traveled anywhere else for the past few years, saving all of my traveling to see her.

I have always had a great relationship with my mom throughout my life, but in the past few years, since becoming more active in her care as she needed more and more assistance, we really became best friends. So, as you can imagine, this has been quite a loss for me, as well as a significant change in my life — without our visits and the identity I created and enjoyed as her advocate.

My mom was almost 95 years old when she passed. Obviously, we all knew that she was not going to live forever, even if it felt as if she was going to beat the system and, at least, make it to 100. I know that she would want me to not only go on with my life, but to really thrive, once she was gone… to live my life with the same gusto and with the same cherishing of life that she had.

So, I’m working on that — finding a way to reconnect to my passion, finding a way to use the time I suddenly have open in a purposeful and meaningful way that honors my mom, and to integrate the lessons that I learned from her life, as well as the lessons I learned as an active advocate for her.

At some point in the future, I plan to write about my journey through the grief and the reinventing of my life in such a way that can be helpful to any of you going through a similar journey of losing a portion of your identity when someone you love passes. It makes sense as the next chapter of my book, The Passionate Life.

As I’ve been doing over the past few years, I will continue to write about the lessons I learned from advocating for my mom to help those of you who are or will become caregivers. One big lesson that I have learned is that we must be advocates for our loved ones in long-term care because those who do not have someone actively advocating for them are the ones who will get lost in the cracks. I know, for a fact, that being an assertive advocate for my mom extended my mom’s life significantly (especially when she was in the hospital), and it improved her quality of life while she resided in long-term care.

As I’ve written about in my blogs, Advocating in the Nursing Home: Starting a Family Council — Part I and Tips From Out in the Caregiver Field: Starting a Family Council — Part II, I restarted a Family Council at the nursing home where my mom lived. Together with the other family members in the Family Council, we made significant changes to improve the quality of life for all the residents in her community.

I will also be sharing a series of lessons that my mom taught me with her approach to life.

Here is a preview of that with the first very brief, but powerful, Lesson #1 of Lessons I Learned From Mom:

Caring and genuine interest in the lives of people we meet leads to greater joyfulness, adaptability, and resilience in times of stress.

Relevant to this discussion, I recently had a guest on my radio program, the screenwriter and actress Susie Singer Carter. She talked about her new documentary, based on her journey when her mom was in long-term care, No Country For Old People. This is a very important documentary about the dark side of long-term care, highlighting further how important it is to be vigilant and to strongly advocate for your loved one in long-term care.

Susie made a comment during that discussion that really struck to the heart of the point I’ve been trying to get out to the world for a while: ageism is the last form of prejudice that has not received much attention. She also pointed out that ageism is a primary force (along with profit) behind the inexcusable failures in the healthcare of older adults and in long-term care.

“How do we fix this?” I asked Susie.

“By starting a movement,” Susie replied.

Well, count me in!

One way that I will take meaningful and purposeful action that honors my mom — and that I know is the key to reconnecting to my passion — is to be part of such a movement. I realize, as it turns out, that I have already begun on that path. I’m inspired to stay the course and see what I can do next to assist in protecting the elderly in long-term care.

Finally, I don’t think it’s possible to talk about the year without discussing the elephant in the room: the pain many feel about the wars in the world. Let us not forget how some of the warring has come to our own home, right here in the U.S., with an escalation of fighting and division among our own population and even between friends.

These are not just disagreements and debates but very deeply emotional, painful divisions. It’s all very distressing and has led many to despair and clinical depression. So, the questions are:

· How do we calm ourselves from the inside since we have little power to change the world?

· How might we be a force for peace right here among our own neighbors and fellow citizens of the U.S.?

In May 2022, two years into the pandemic, I wrote an article for Ingenious Piece, about finding our inner peace during the difficulties caused by Covid, called Preventing the Spiral Down of Depression During These Difficult Times. I think our approach needs to be similar right now. This applies to the difficult times related to so much intensity in the world around us, as well as coping with our own individual challenges.

Meanwhile, as we look forward the new year, 2024. We can start with the intention of making it a more peaceful and joyful one helping ourselves and each other more effectively deal with the stress going on around us by bringing positivity into the world. Every day, we can make a difference by doing one generous, compassionate, positive, joyful act for others. I know that it will ripple out to the rest of the world.

And we can all make a better effort of listening to each other with curiosity, rather than yelling at each other. It seems that his art of listening has gone by the wayside. Many of us are just trying to prove we are right in order to “win.” But what is the actual the prize, a brief hit of dopamine?

Our friends don’t need to agree with everything we believe. If they hold basically the same values, then surely we can disagree about some issues and still remain friends. If our friend says something that crosses a line, making friendship no longer possible, then we can’t we just let them be on their way? It’s hard to remember this sometimes in the heat of the moment, but arguing will not change minds, especially on social media, but also in person. And if your “friend” just needs to be right and they can’t apologize for crossing into personal attacks, don’t let it steal your own well-being. Forgiving them and moving on is for your own well-being. Not needing to be right is also for your inner peace. Let’s all resolve to try to cool down the heated divisions between ourselves and our friends and neighbors in the New Year. We may not be able to change what’s happening in the world, but we can help to create more peace within our communities, within our families and friendships, and within ourselves. Wishing you all a peaceful, safe, and Happy 2024.

Until next time, remember, in the words of Pablo Picasso, “Youth has no age.”

You can read similar blogs by Dr. Mara and listen to her internet radio show. Now also on Apple Podcasts.

Check out Dr. Mara’s internationally best-selling book, The Passionate Life: Creating Vitality & Joy at Any Age, now available on Audible!

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